God Loves Transgenders

futureprfIt was the middle of 2015 and I was 6 months into HRT. I had already discovered that I was a woman and made my decision to transition. I was also 6 months into heroin maintenance because I am a dope addict. I had a bad needle fetish and instead of taking my meds the right way I used to wake up and mainline them.

One morning I did my medication and got so sick I had to call 911. When the paramedics got there I had a 104 temperature and they seemed to be very worried about my vital signs. They rushed me to the hospital and got my vital signs stable, and after hours of tests I was told I had endocarditis and my blood was infected too, I was told that I would have to be admitted to the hospital because they had to give me I.V. antibiotics for a week or two. I was also told that I would have to be on antibiotic pills for months to kill the infection.

I was in the hospital for 2 days and they refused to give me my maintenance meds. They kept putting me off with excuses. I was sinking into a bad depression and the antibiotics were making me sick to my stomach. I was starting to go into opiate withdrawals and I was starting to get very worried. I never felt so alone in my life, I didnt know what to do.

I broke down and cried. I cried out to God in Jesus name. I asked Him to help me get through this and help me get my life together. Being sick like I was was too much to handle for me with everything else that was going on in my life. A little while later I asked for my meds again and they put me off, gave me excuses. I got pissed off and tore the IVs out of my arm and left. I went home and took my meds and went back to the hospital and they wouldnt let me back in. I couldnt understand it, I was so sick and they tresspassed me from the hospital. I got escorted out by security. I wound up going home to my own bed and I crying myself to sleep.

The next morning I got up and went to another hospitals emergency room and I told them what happened. They admitted me and did all the tests over again including a sonogram of my heart. I was keeping myself together well. I had a backpack with me with everything I needed for a hospital stay. Finally a doctor came in with a clipboard and told me to sign some papers. He told me I was out of there because there was nothing wrong with me. He told me I was perfectly healthy for someone my age.  I was blown away. I didnt know what to think at first and then I remembered praying in the other hospital. God heard my prayer and answered it, He took care of me and healed me because I am one of His children, and He is awesome. I was so happy that I walked home (about 1 1/2 miles) smiling all the way and praising and thanking Him.

This is how I know that I am not a mistake, that God made me this way. That I am not an abomination. This is what helped me to finally decide to transition fully and to accept and love myself just the way I am.

Toni.

Suboxone- blues

I’ve decided to get off of Suboxone maintenance because I want to be free of it finally and it might interfere with my operations, plus I’m tired of living in fear of not having it. I have a year of clean time and 3 years of quitting dope. Suboxone is a partial agonist opiate that fills up the receptors so nothing else can get on them. Right now I’m down to 1.5 mg and thats still a lot, I need to get down to .25mg to stop taking it. Its a long drawn out taper because I have to go down 25% of the dose every drop. I put my drops at 7 days because I’m comfortable there. I’m not worried about the jump at the end because I’ve done this successfully already. I did this same taper and no crash at the end, none. If you need more information about tapering off just look up Roberts Taper, theres plenty of information there.

Hipocrites all around

I was walking down Market street which is a busy area in  downtown San Francisco. I came upon a sidewalk preacher, he had a microphone and amp and he was preaching the word. Everyone was ignoring him and it’s natural in the city. I walked up to him and tried to give him a few bucks but he refused, I said, ” Are you sure?”. He said, ” I don’t take money, give it to a homeless person”. I heard someone behind me say, ” GIVE IT TO A HOMELESS GUY” I turned around and there was this guy standing back by the street, the preachers bodyguard or something.  I smiled at him and walked away and there was a homeless dude coming right at me so I gave him the money. The homeless dude smiled big and said “thanks and God bless you, God bless you”, as I walked away I realized the preacher never tried to save me, not a word. He was there to save people, and he had me right there to preach at. I knew he knew I was transgender, I guess I wasn’t good enough to save in his eyes. What the hell is happening to Christians these days? I am saved already but he didnt know that.

She 

  • She was beautiful back in the day.
  • When secrets and lies were hidden away.
  • She had dreams that tortured her in the night.
  • She battled with loneliness and lost the fight.
  • Hate was the only thing she ever gave me.
  • I thought when she died I would be free.
  • I carried the hurt and irrational fears.
  • It tore me apart for too many years.
  • She messed up my life even after she died.
  • I finally faced it and broke down and cried.
  • God only knows where she is now.
  • It doesn’t matter any how




Toni/8/19

Scars

  • You are beautiful as the days are long.
  • You happily marched to a different song.
  • You never fit in but you found your way.
  • You wanted to leave but decided to stay.
  • Loved ones and friends didn’t understand,
  • The semicolon tattooed on your hand.
  • You’re a warrior and you fought well.
  • You’ve been knocked down and dragged through hell.
  • You’re here and you’re beautiful inside and out.
  • You’re scars will heal, without a doubt.

    Toni

    Transgender Hide and seek

    I have seen debates on social media lately about telling men you’re transgender or not. I am up front with everyone, and everyone can tell that I am transgender because I don’t pass. If I did pass I would still be up front because I had an experience with this problem. I was just out walking down the street one day and there were three men standing on the corner across the street from me. As I got right across from them one of them started cat calling. When I turned my head to see who I was dealing with, two of them started lauging and pushing the one that did the cat calling.  The one that did the cat calling looked pissed off, he started yelling at me calling me faggot, bitch and whatever. He screamed, ” I’ll drag you around this corner and fuck you up.” 
    As I got a little further from them, he kept up with his threats. I picked up my pace a little and got out of there. I finally realized that he he thought I was a ciswoman and when he found out I wasn’t he got all pissed off like I took away his manhood or something. After experiencing this I would tell a man that I was transgender, I can imagine how bad it would be if I kissed or got a man off and he found out I was transgender, because in his mind I’m a man and he just got sexual satisfaction from a man, so that makes him gay in his head and he will beat, stab, even shoot until he gets his manhood back.